How can you hold difficult conversations?

In a world focussed on identity and conflict fuelled by expressions of outrage on social media, the skill of holding difficult conversations is more important than ever. Yet rarely do we see this skill in practice. Instead, we have become familiar with the discourse of tit-for-tat, where everyone remains none the wiser, no closer to a solution. The resulting increase in polarisation drives people to find refuge with like minds.

But in return for the comfort of sameness, we also cut off the benefits of social and intellectual diversity.

Diversity is Nature’s greatest strength, conferring resilience and our ability to adapt to change, which ensures our survival. Scientists, artists and other creatives have long known the beautiful alchemy that awaits those brave enough to combine ideas from seemingly unrelated fields. Combining opposites or near opposites is now recognised as a mainstream technique in boosting creativity.

So if we can find the confidence to really engage purposefully and constructively with those who are different, be that along lines of ethnicity, class, race, gender, age, experience, education, whatever it may be, we might just find the answers we need, instead of the ones that make us feel comfortable.

So how do we do this? How do we make challenging discourse meaningful?

First, we need to listen from a place of empathy and understanding of the other.

We need to see the purpose of listening as the discovery of the other rather than the validation of the self. Often it is our own insecurities that prevent us from doing this.

Insecurity drives our need to be right, and to be right, the other person must be wrong: wrong to feel a certain way, wrong to look a certain way, wrong to hold the opinions that they do. It is a powerful defence, that protects us from taking responsibility for how we might feel if we were to stop and put ourselves in their position, and show empathy. In reality our need to be right keeps us separate, it isolates us from difference, and by default it separates us from contrast.

But how can we truly know if what we think or believe is valid, if we are unwilling to validate the experience of the other? There is value in moving past our fears, doubts and insecurities and opening ourselves up to a different way of seeing.  It strengthens us, and it creates the space for solutions to reveal themselves.

Secondly, we need to listen from a place of empathy and understanding towards ourselves.

Unless you are under physical threat, a heightened emotional response to someone’s words is likely to indicate that you are being triggered in some way. If you find yourself caught in the midst of a difficult conversation, be it in your personal or professional life, just stop, take a moment to check in with what you are experiencing, and what is happening in your body. If necessary turn you body at a slight angle to the person you are talking to and ask yourself, what part of my own pain and suffering is this conversation triggering? Try to imagine how they might be feeling.

Ask yourself, how can I see this person differently? Then just notice what happens as you use your breath to ground and centre yourself.

This is a simple yet effective life skill. It allows you to speak from a place of personal autonomy rather than from a place of being triggered. It lends authority to what you say next. Those who speak in a slow and considered manner garner greater respect. When we shout at the other person we have already lost control and no one really listens to a person who is not in control.

Thirdly, we need to look for the common ground. 

Even those on opposite sides of emotionally charged debates, such as arguments about race or gender diversity, have common ground: they both find the subject matter emotional.

Acknowledging the common ground allows us to find dialogue on a more stable platform of mutual respect and understanding, from which it can expand into more challenging territory.  It opens the door to more resourceful questions and a curiosity about the other, which in turn leads us to something greater: understanding.

Interested in learning these skills for yourself or your firm? Get in touch for more information.