Helping ourselves, helping others: how to find our best place in work and personal relationships

We are naturally attuned to describing the health of relationships using physical metaphors of place.

These aptly describe how we are in relation to another, an event or a task.  Consider:

“I’ll call you in a couple of weeks: I just need some space right now.”

“We were so close; I miss her now she’s gone.”

“I feel odd, something is out of place”

“If you do that, you’ll face the consequences”

“Work’s getting on top of me”

These turns of phrase have instant resonance, a natural meaning known without question or explanation.  Place is also used to ritualise relationships: authority tends to sit “on high”; seniority tends to be given priority as a mark of respect; and sometimes even gender: “Ladies first”.

And it’s not only our feelings that reflect our sense of place.  Our intellectual capacities are sensitive to place as well. 

Research has shown that people tend to identify solutions more readily when the problem appears in their left visual field, which is more closely aligned with the right cerebral cortex and hence creative and imaginative thinking.  And people faced with the same problem are more creative at finding solutions if they are told the problem is in a neighbouring town rather than on their own doorstep.  It seems there’s wisdom in the old saying that to solve a problem, sometimes you need to take step back.

Place is always a function of the relationship system we are in and the role demanded by the system for it to continue.  In this way systems are dynamic and adaptive. A middle child often becomes a mediator or bridge builder between his siblings.  Parents divorce, and the older child steps up to fill the space of the absent parent.  The central defender in a football team receives a red card and is sent off, the remaining 10 adjust their positions to cover.   The lawyer leading an inexperienced team may also become teacher, coach and administrator. The prince wields authority among his people, but yields as a child to the King when at home in the palace.   

What we notice when looking at place is that “right” and “wrong” have no clear meaning. 

What is good for the system may come at a price for ourselves.  Yet in paying the price we often acquire gifts: new skills, expanded capacities, insights and learning.  The art of living and working well requires us to navigate the balance between the needs of the systems, teams and organisations to which we belong, and our personal needs and personal conscience.  One of our key navigational aids to find a place of strength is the principle of balanced exchange (explained in our post here).  Balanced exchange engages the question: How do we feel about what we are giving and what we are receiving from the work or personal relationships that we are in? We can moderate exchange by drawing distance or moving closer to one of the polarities of receiving and giving.

Closely aligned to place is orientation: where are we looking and what are we looking at? 

When we notice our orientation, we realise that we may at once be close and far away.   We may be contributing fully to our professional team, while longing to be working elsewhere or in a different field altogether.   We may deeply love another, yet know it is time to part. Every child who has come of age knows this feeling. And we may find that the distraction opens the solution: our resistance to facing up to a piece of work or a client issue holds information about what the relationship needs.

When we face a challenge, we can find solutions by attending to our place in relation to others or the challenge we face. 

How close or far are we? How much space is there between ourselves, our team members or the problem issue?  How are we orientated? Where is our attention?  What roles are being asked of us? What’s missing? How healthy is the underlying exchange?  What needs to change to make things better for me? For the team? For the client?

By attending to place, we can attend to ourselves and to those with whom we work and live. By attending to place, we can show support, respect and care for ourselves, those around us, our clients and our loved ones.